The Vasectomy Experience….

The Vasectomy Experience Part II

(Prior to reading this post, please refer back to the Vasectomy Experience Part I from this past summer; it’s very entertaining, and you know what? Even if you’ve read it before, refresh your memory.)

When we last heard from our Super Hero, aka Me, I was receiving a consult for a Vasectomy.  Well, now the day has arrived, and passed for our fearless leader… and….

Jeff: “I’ve been wearing this Jock Strap for 6 days and it’s really, really starting to bother me.”

Danielle, the extremely sympathetic wife (insert all kinds of sarcasm here):  “Is IT supposed to look like that?” (IT should be typed in black and blue)

Jeff:  “Heck if I know.  I know this comes as a huge shock to you, but I’ve never had someone slice a hole into my man parts before, but then again, I’ve never had a bee fly down my shorts either.”

Explanation:  During the procedure, Dr Shnip (yes, that was his real name…if you believe that, please call me up because I have some egg yoke to sell you…pain meds talking) says to me…

Dr Shnip:  “Okay, Jeff, I’m going to first administer some lidocaine on the right side to numb that area.  It’s going to feel like a bee sting.”

Jeff:  “Dr., have you ever had a bee fly down your pants and sting you in that section?”

Dr Shnip:  “Why, no, I guess not.”

Jeff:  “Then, how may I ask do you know that it’s going to feel like a bee sting?  I’ve been stung by a bee on my arms and legs, but never on my … ahem, you know…down there.”

Dr Shnip:  “Okay, good point, so, what are you doing tonight after you leave here?”

Author’s Note:  This is where Dr. Shnip tries to take the patient’s mind off the fact that he’s purposely cutting a hole into his …

Jeff:  “Great Balls of Fire!!!  I can still feel that.”

Dr Shnip:  “Oh, sorry.  I guess we need to give a little bit more of the numbing medicine.”

Jeff:  “You know Dr., I’m in no hurry if you aren’t.  How about you sting like a bee then fly like a butterfly for a moment while the numbing medicine does its thing?  Just a thought…

Dr Shnip:  “Okay, I’ll be right back.”

Dr Shnip finishes up the entire procedure in about 15 minutes.  Nothing to it…until…I walk to the waiting room, where guess-who is waiting?  A 3-foot-6, 4-year old boy.  I’m 5 foot 11 and ¾ inches (some would say 6 foot, but my brother and wife remind me all of the time that I’m not 6 foot, story for another day), thus the 3 and a half foot terror-in-tennis-shoes is heading right for my mid-section…

Cooper:  “Daddy!!!”  (thump, I think, I’m not sure, because I’m still numb down there, thank God)

Danielle:  “Coop, Don’t touch Daddy, he’s sore in his boy parts.”

Jeff:  “Our Father who art in heaven, hallowed be thy nameeeeeeeeeee…”

Cooper:  “Oh, sorry, Daddy, you want to play some football?”

Jeff:  “Hmmmm, Coop, we may have to wait a few days before we play football.  Deal?”

Cooper:  “I guess.  We’ll just wrestle when we get home.”

I’m not going to give you each day of progression on how I felt during the recovery period.  I’ll spare you those details.  You’re welcome.  You owe me.  I will give this advice to all men out there who have not had the pleasure of this experience quite yet…

1. Jock Strap is mandatory.  It keeps everything in its rightful spot, plus it made me feel like I was back on the ball diamond in high school.  I would pop an advil with a bud light, close my eyes and imagine hitting line drives into the gap, sprinting to third, then diving head first into the bag, when thump, the dog jumps right below my belt, leading me to advice point #2.
2. A Pillow is mandatory.  It’s a defense mechanism.  IT really doesn’t hurt that much unless you walk into your 4-year old Hall of Famer-to-be swinging a bat in the living room and he catches you on the backswing.  And, no, I’m not deterring him from swinging a bat in the living room.  Some things are worth it.  We’ll all remember this during the 2024 Major League Draft.  I took one for the team this past week.
3. Frozen peas are mandatory.  Yes, they reduce swelling, but there’s more to it than the frigid feeling down at the South Pole.  The peas tend to separate, surrounding and protecting IT from evil outside forces.
4. The remote control is mandatory.  You, absolutely, do not want to move up and down too, too much.  I recommend the second weekend in March (Madness), first weekend in October (Playoff Baseball and Football at the same time), or Mother’s Day Weekend if you can pull it off.  Just kidding Moms, on that last one.  Wow, that would be the greatest move of all time if you Dads made that happen and survived.  If any of you have, please, please tell your story, and let me know if you’re still married and/or still alive.

So, now, here I am typing away, on Day 6.  I’ve officially removed the “scrotum protector” and I’m heading back to the gym in the morning.  Whew, Jeff Snip (ahem, I mean Jeff Smith) is back!!!