In Defense of the Word MILF: The Author of The MILF Diet Responds

I am nothing if not opinionated.  And though I don’t always use this space as a forum to share everything I think, occasionally I can be a touch vehement about particular topics. One such moment was just last week when I wrote, “The MILF Diet: Why Using the term MILF to Sell ANYTHING is a Bad Idea”.

I had received an email pitch about a new health/diet book targeted at women and quiet honestly, I found the title and accompanying pitch offensive.  I’m not typically easily offended.  That being said, I replied to the email to explain why I wasn’t in love, I posted about it on my Facebook page and I wrote a post about it here.  All of it generated dialogue – much of which fell into the same category as my thoughts: that the term MILF didn’t carry a positive connotation.

Now, admittedly, you could argue that this means I know my audience and/or that my audience is of a like mindset.  Clearly not everyone finds the term less than savory.  Especially, the author, Jessica Porter.  I wondered aloud in some of my comments whether or not she had been the one to choose the title and I also wondered how she truly felt about the term.

I now know.  This morning I received a letter from her that she requested I share with you.  This letter is in response to not only my post, but the dialogue generated as a result of that post.  I am sharing her letter in its entirety here with one edit: I have starred the expletive she used as I have never put ‘adult language’ on Extraordinary Mommy.  Though I have sworn in my lifetime, I have not allowed that language to have a place here on the site.

I hope that you will read Jessica’s letter with an open mind.  I hope you will then tell me if her words sway your opinion of the title of the book (if, in fact, you didn’t love it to begin with). I have the utmost respect for her for a) reaching out to me so respectfully, b) for standing behind her work  and c) for articulating her stance so clearly.

Dear Danielle,

I’d like to take this opportunity to weigh in on this important–and passionate–conversation regarding The MILF Diet, because, well… I wrote it.

First of all, I just want to thank everyone for their comments.  I knew, when I decided on the title, that it would hit some nerves—and I totally understand that.  However, it was never my intention to cause deep or lasting offense.  I was brought up by a single—and proudly feminist–mom of the 70s, took lots of Women’s Studies courses in college, and I’d like to think that I am as sensitive as anyone to the very fine line that the word “MILF” walks; I recognize that it originated in pornography, and objectifies women–no doubt.

However, like other politically incorrect words have been co-opted, or re-purposed, over time by the groups they describe, I have also found that many, many women I have met over the last ten years have actually liked the term.  Yes, it’s naughty, but I believe that’s part of its appeal.  It has been used in mainstream media quite a bit over the last few years—on the sitcoms Weeds, and30 Rock, both shows with strong female protagonists who employ it with a wink.  Because it is an acronym, it seems to me to have found a positive meaning all its own—beyond the four words that form it—and is often taken as a simple, sassy, compliment for an attractive older women.  It’s even bandied about between women.

All that said, its cultural currency is not enough to defend its use as a book title.  I would never have written a book about healthy food and just slapped “MILF” on the cover as a simple hook. The MILF Diet is actually an approach to food that is specifically designed for women, in order to support our natural feminine energy.  You see, I believe (and I’m going to get all Women’s Studies classes here) that the term “MILF” actually reunites two very important parts of a woman—our maternity (we love, we care, we give), and our sexuality (we make love, we desire, and yes, we sometimes “f**k” and want to be “f**ked”).

On this note, I gave the book this title because, after 20+ years of eating whole, natural foods, I looked around me and the women I knew who had eaten the same way were deeply comfortable in their own bodies, were aging almost imperceptibly, and had healthy and relaxed relationships to their sexual selves.  I interviewed these women, asking all about their life experiences, and delved into their kitchens to discover their practical secrets.  They–and I–really do believe that eating whole, natural, foods has the power to heal us on the most profound levels.

And for me, good nutrition has always been integral to one’s relationship to one’s self, and is a fundamental aspect of self-care, so I agree with you completely, Danielle, that we should take care of ourselves for OURSELVES. That’s paramount. But–and I am definitely going to generalize here–I think that even the most confident, independent woman probably doesn’t hate the idea of being perceived as attractive to men—be they husbands or strangers on the sidewalk—as she ages. And sometimes she just wants to get laid! Let’s not fool ourselves in thinking that vanity has no claim on us.  In fact, current neuroscience makes the argument that a little vanity is part of the deepest wiring of the female brain… We have to keep it in check, sure, but to deny it is just not something I’m interested in. Wanting to feel attractive to the opposite sex doesn’t define me, but it’s still a part of who I am. The MILF Diet is trying to work with this reality, but it’s not seeking to undermine anyone’s self–confidence. Just the opposite.

So, in response to your criticism, I’ll say that I really am grateful for this feedback. I respect all your readers’ rights to their opinions. Some will have no interest in reclaiming the word “MILF”, I know. Some will be stalled in their tracks by the title, but I hope that some of you might actually look beyond the book’s cover because, from the first page, I confront the politics of the term “MILF”, and co-opt it for our purposes in a way that I hope is both sensitive and lighthearted.

Again, I’m extremely grateful that it has stirred up a vigorous conversation among passionate women about who we are, how we feel about ourselves, and how we are perceived.  That would make my late mother rejoice, and is exactly why I wrote the book. The MILF Diet is not—I repeat NOT— about a gaining or keeping a man’s approval; it is a shameless embrace of all things female: our bodies, our brains, our spirit and our sexuality  as perceived and experienced by US.  Does the word “MILF” help in getting these conversations going better than something like “How to Stay Attractive, Powerful and Healthy as You Age?”  I hope so! Let’s keep talking…

Thank you all for your time and attention,

Jessica Porter

Thank you, Jessica, for taking the time to reach out.  I will agree with you on a few points: yes –  I do think even confident, independent women don’t hate the idea of being attractive, yes – I will confess to allowing vanity to having a claim on me – I would be lying if I said otherwise , yes – this has stirred up a vigorous conversation and YES – I want nothing more than to feel attractive, powerful and healthy as I age.  So, while I can’t say you have convinced me that the acronym MILF represents all of this and more (I still struggle to embrace it), I do respect your version of it AND your passionate defense has swayed me to be curious about the content of your book. I realize you could have caved, back peddled, fearful of the controversy and muddied the waters with a wishy-washy reply. Good luck to you.

Now friends, your thoughts?