Coffee Shopping

I don’t drink coffee.

I now know what’s it’s like to be a true foreigner.  I now know how scary it is when everyone else is speaking an indiscernible language.  A few words would be spoken.  Laughter would erupt.  Satisfaction would creep across all of their faces.  I had no clue what was going on.

For the first time in my life, I entered…

A Coffee Shop.

Yesterday morning, I was trying to be nice, pick up a couple of beverages for two of my colleagues.

I approached a pleasant young woman playing the dual role of order taker/cashier and I asked “May I have 2 coffees, to go please?”

Then.  Came.  The questions.

Grande?  Si por favor (I can speak other languages).  Iced or Steamed?  Huh, I thought all coffee was hot.  Isn’t an Iced coffee called… a Popsicle?  Let’s go with steamed.  Cream and Sugar?  Sure, who doesn’t like that?  Both please.  How many honeys? Well in college, I had… Wait a minute, how many honeys in the coffee?  Heck if I know, Isn’t honey a liquid?  Do I need to define the 3 states of matter to this person?  Wouldn’t the proper question be “How much honey?”  Sir, there are honey packets.  Yah, I had packets of honeys in college… darnit, there goes that flashback again… or maybe that was a dream… anyway, 1 honey please.  I’m married.

The man behind me interrupts.  Are you almost finished?  No sir, but I visited Helsinki once.  I turn back to the Bilingual Coffee Order Taker who states, “I think he wants to know if you’re almost done ordering.”   Ooooh, I thought he was speaking “coffee.”  I turn back around to engage my newest fan and state “Same answer as before.  No sir, but I visited Helsinki once.”  Shockingly, he wasn’t amused.  Boy, someone should get him something to drink.

Back to my coffee class, okay Madame Professor, what else?  Would you like an ice cube, sir?  I thought I already said “steamed.” “Yessir, but we have a steamed option that includes an ice cube.”  This “Matters” of course because you may want to cool down said coffee or maybe you really do want to conduct a science experiment, liquid coffee plus solid iced cube plus steam equals the 3 states of … Matter of fact, miss, I will take an ice cube in each of these Grande, Steamed, Cream and Sugar Filled with 1 one honey coffees to go.  I’m on a roll… Would you like anything else with that?  She stares at me… along with the other 21 persons behind me that now seem to be a little agitated, clearly they need to drink more de-caf.  That’s my question to ask you, sir. Oh, sorry.  Go ahead, your turn.  She peers through me, would you like anything else with that?

Can I have one small cup of water, preferably cold, ice cubes are optional, go ahead and surprise me.

It’s for a good friend of mine who doesn’t drink coffee.