Sometimes I sit down to write and my typing fingers can barely keep up with my brain.
That is not quite the case this time, however. This time, my stomach is a ball of nerves, my fingers are a bit shaky and it feels a little as though I’m turning my soul inside out with each word I type.
I’d say that’s hyperbolic, but in many ways it isn’t, as what I’m preparing to share are things I lied to myself about for a long time, so maybe you can imagine that sharing them with you – like this – is vulnerable in a way I haven’t ever been before. Because friends, I’m here to tell you, when you become skilled at lying to yourself each day….when you can look at yourself in the mirror – wide-eyed and serious and calmly convince YOU that you don’t have a problem, exposing yourself to the world like this feels like turning yourself inside out.
I’ve been struggling with how to phrase it, how to explain it, how to softly put my truth out there in the world. But, honestly, it isn’t soft or kind, though it also isn’t easy to explain….which is why it took me years to get here.
I have a problem with alcohol.
A big one.
While some people do struggle with the label, ‘alcoholic’, I don’t – it is how I identify myself.
My name is Danielle, and I’m an extremely grateful Alcoholic. One with six months of sobriety. And counting.
And that label – and all that we, as a society, often incorrectly associate with it, is, in fact, one of the primary reasons I could look in the mirror each and every day and say, I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC.
I was not homeless. I did not need to drink at 7am. I did not carry a bottle in a brown paper sack around. I never had a DUI. I did not get fired for showing up to work drunk or failing to work. I could go days (at least in the beginning of my disease) without drinking.
My problem is NOT that I couldn’t NOT drink….my problem is that once I start, I DO NOT STOP.
In many ways, I was a ‘high-functioning alcoholic’. Some of you many have seen me have too much on occasion. But that would have been just a fraction of what I was doing, how I was living.
I wasn’t always this way. In fact, I come from an alcoholic family – so I was positive….in fact, I was DETERMINED, alcoholism was not my destiny. Yet another reason for living the past few years in denial.
I made it through my 30’s as a ‘normal drinker’……someone who could have a glass or two of wine on the weekend and stop. But in my early 40’s – it all changed. It was gradual at first.
I was a trauma drinker. I drank to numb how I felt, to avoid hurt and pain. “Oh my god, I just need a glass of wine to deal with this….” Words that began to fall from my lips more and more frequently as life piled on. The walks from my office to the wine fridge became more frequent. The pours more generous. That ‘one glass’ was actually two – but I only poured one, so that is what counted, yes? The lies we tell ourselves….
Word to the wise, when you hide your drinking, you are guaranteed to drink more. I promise. You are living a scarcity mentality. Since you are constantly afraid someone is going to catch you or take it away from you, you pour more in your glass, drink more (quantity), drink more (frequency), and drink before events so that it doesn’t appear that you are ordering more than everyone else. You start to pay more attention to how much you are drinking vs. everyone else around you. Your thoughts turn to alcohol more and more often.
I am also a blackout drinker. At first, it happened once or twice – but nearing the time I finally stopped, it was happening more often than it wasn’t. The scariest thing about the blackout? It isn’t like passing out. I don’t fall asleep – I lose time. For the most part, I continue to function as normal – carry on conversations, get on and off airplanes, order ubers, pay tabs, go to bed, put on my pjs. I just don’t remember any of it. I wake up – typically between 3-3:30am in a panic – trying to put the impossible pieces of time back together. If you’re a normal drinker – this sounds horrifying. Don’t misunderstand. IT IS. You’re probably wondering why I didn’t stop drinking after the very first time it happened. I wish I knew. If you have a problem with alcohol, in additional to sounding frightening, this may also sound…..familiar.
Your thought process is compulsive. Drinking is no longer something you do to socialize, it is how you cope with every day, every situation and every emotion – pain, sadness, anger.
It became an obsession.
I was no longer me.
There were signs along the way. That time I Googled, “why can’t I stop…..” and drinking was the first word to pop up…. For a moment, I felt a little bit less alone, knowing other people, many other people, had the very same question. I wish I’d seen that for the sign it was. If I’m thinking I might have a problem, I probably do. Normal drinkers don’t ever think about it.
I started buying wine from different grocery stores because I didn’t want them to notice how much I was buying (as if they actually notice or care). I bought only screw top bottles – easier to open and open quickly so my family might not hear. I moved to cheaper wine and started drinking out of any kind of glass or cup to hide what was inside. And finally, I moved to tiny bottles – YUCK – because they were easier to hide.
I am not a bad person or a bad mom…..I was a good person, a good mom, a wounded and hurting person who was making bad decisions. I was lying to my family and they knew it. I was disappointing my kids and it was breaking my heart.
This – this battle with alcohol – this addiction to wine – to numbing and avoiding who I was, how I felt, to hiding in my own skin – it was eating me alive and ruining my chances of being the person I had always believed I could be.
In early July, I woke in the 3am hour as I always did – disoriented, filled with guilt, and once again positive I had been a disappointment. My promise not to drink was one I had broken. Again. I could feel my will to fight, to lie, to ANYTHING slip away…. Jeff suggested a treatment center in Florida that fit what he knew I needed – a place that wouldn’t cut me off from the world, prevent me from keeping in touch with Delaney and Cooper, while at the same time treating my mind, body and soul with meditation, time on the beach and a wholistic approach to recovery.
A week later, on July 8th, terrified and overwhelmed, having told only a small handful of people – some of them friends brought to me through the gift of the internet, I surrendered to the idea that I had a problem, but, with help, I could recover.
I was positive saying ‘never again’ to wine was impossible, so I have learned to say ‘one day at a time’.
I was positive there was nothing in life I couldn’t do if I set my mind to it, but alcohol proved me wrong – so I asked for help, and I have been given the gift of a renewed and beautiful relationship with my babies – who never stopped loving me, but have learned to trust me again.
I was positive, without wine, I wouldn’t be any fun, that whatever ‘sparkle’ I possessed was fueled by a few glasses of champagne and a ‘Rosé all Day’ motto, but so many of you proved me wrong by first noticing a light returning to my eyes that I didn’t know was missing….without ever knowing the alcohol had been removed. I have been given the gift of hope, the gift of friendship, the gift of watching the impossible unfold.
I was positive my ability to have faith in any form of God had been destroyed, but I am seeing beauty in my faith as it carries me.
It could be finally feeling more like myself than I have in years or being comfortable in this skin and life I’ve been given. It could be having a connection to my children that I seemed to have lost briefly or it could be the gifts that come with vulnerability and being able to let people know that I see them in a way that way that they don’t think they will ever be seen – a feeling I know well as I had started to feel invisible and as though it would be impossible for anyone to ever truly see me again.
It could be feeling normal – FINALLY – but in the most beautifully abnormal way because I am surrounded by people who understand what it’s like to think and feel as I do.
It could be that people I haven’t spoken to in years are reaching out and sharing their own stories – some to support, some to ask for help as they are seeing some tiny reflection of themselves – some small slice of hope in something I have shared.
This happened FOR me. I am where I am supposed to be…and the Danielle who turns 47 in two weeks? Well, not only will she be doing that sober, but she knows how to sparkle and celebrate without wine and champagne and she’s good with that.
Friend, I am so incredibly proud of you. This is HUGE! Your sparkle was always so much more than the alcohol but I am so glad that you realized it, too. You are amazing. You always shine!
My beautiful, lovely, amazing friend… kudos on finding your path out of hat darkness. Alcohol only seems to fuel sparkliness – it really doesn’t. You are the source of all that shine. Shine on brightly! *hugs*
Go get it Danielle, well done. Attitude, Perspective… Mindset. #NoLetUp!👊🏻
Thank you, thank you, thank you, Ted. I’m grateful.
you are so brave, sharing this kind of raw honesty is no east feat! i am so happy that you are on this road! and thank you for always inspiring all of us to live our truth
So truly grateful for you, my friend. Thank you for being here for me. xoxoxo
Very proud of you <3
xoxoxo Thank you so much.
The fact that I just HAPPENED to come across your link on Facebook today (which I am rarely on) is totally a “God wink”. Would you believe that I just pushed publish on my own similar story just a few hours ago on my blog??!! Crazy timing! Thank you for sharing your story & your courageous journey to get your life back. You are helping so many people by being so open & honest. Very proud of you & can’t wait to see what lies ahead for you!!! Congratulations!!!! 🙌🏻❤️
So inspired by you and in awe of your vulnerability. You are a light to so many of us!!!
You have and continue to be a gift in my world. I couldn’t possibly be more grateful for you.
What courage to go through recovery and share to inspire and help others. Brought tears to my eyes…
Thrilled your kids realized always what a great mom you are and your husband supported and stood by you through your journey…you are truly blessed!
You are exactly where you need to be and living your best life! Live your best life!
Thank you so very much, Kathy – my kids have been an absolute source of strength. I couldn’t be more grateful. I do believe I am where I am supposed to be – so appreciate your kind words.
It’s like you wrote my story exactly…wine wine wine. So proud of you friend and to be with you on this sober journey. One day at a time 🙂
you know i love you, friend, and we are right here with you every step of the way. xo
Six months is an incredible milestone. So very proud of you and the hard work you’re doing. A very dear friend of mine just achieved his fifth year of sobriety. I’ve learned so much by supporting him on his journey, but the most important thing he’s shared is the importance of this day. This moment. A great reminder for all of us.
You can do it, one day at a time. I am inspired by you!
I love you BIG time. These words … everything <3
I hope to connect soon, in more ways than one xxx
Congrats! Six months is a big huge milestone. The future is bright, friend! I’m glad you are seeing it with bright sparkly eyes again ❤️
I feel so much for you my dear friend and I’m so proud of you for putting yourself out there. This is just the beginning of a new beginning for you. Great things are coming your way I’m sure of it!
What a brave soul. And might I add, wonderful writing (as always). I knew a reckoning was happening, and am so heartened to hear you are getting what you need. This hard work on you will undoubtedly lead to blessings you cannot even fathom right now. I can’t wait to witness the next chapters in your bold, beautifully written book.
Wow. Way to go using your lady balls and being so honest to everyone but mostly yourself.
I’m not proud of you – I admire you bc not everyone can do that! Xo
Congrats on this milestone! Thank you for being a guide for me on this journey as well. Sending love ❤️
Thank you so very much. Happy to be here for you anytime. xoxoxo
I so appreciate the openness of this post! I think it will touch many people’s hearts!
You are so brave for telling your story and you will definitely help so many others. I’m so sorry you’ve had to go through all of this. I had no idea. But I’m relieved to hear how well you are doing now.
I’m almost speechless with gratitude and love for you sharing your story, YOUR truth. Thank you for shinging YOUR BRIGHT LIGHT even brighter and much more sparkly than ever before. I’m so proud to know you as an online friend and I care deeply that you are making this happen for you and your family – a healthier YOU – ONE day at a time. No more secrets, no more hiding. Fabulous. Bravo. With love from San Diego.
ironic that i have a wine glass in my hand from New Years in Napa many years ago, in my thumbnail photo. #NoAccidents (I’m pretty much a non-drinker, but i have lots of experience loving alcoholics)
I love you. I’m so happy for you. For this. You’re a beautiful soul, and an incredible writer. You are extraordinary, brave and strong. Proud to call you my friend.
❤️
Congrats on your first 185 days and for the courage to share the above with those who admire you from near and far!
Wow Danielle – I had no idea you were going through this. It is so wonderful and brave of you to share so openly. You will encourage and inspire so many others!
You are amazing, beautiful in your vulnerability and inspiring. It is not easy to tell the ugly parts of our story. Wanting to inspire and share but at the same time fear of being judged and misunderstood. The courage it took to write this speaks volumes in how far you’ve come in your journey and how significant this milestone is.
You’re such an amazing person and your devotion to your family and loved ones is an inspiration. You’re an encouragement to many. While alcohol is not a problem for me (probably only thanks to my stomach ulcer and inflammation issues), we all have our little or big “addictions”. You said “one day at a time” and that’s how I’m going to try deal with 2020. It’s been a very bumpy start so far, but one day at a time, I’ll make better choices and cope with what’s thrown at me. If I could be half the mom and person you are at your worst, when I’m at my best, I’d be so thankful.
What an incredible milestone! I can’t imagine how much mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual work is behind this accomplishment. Thank you for allowing your strength to shine through your vulnerability and honesty.
And that light looks so good back in your eyes.
I’m not sure I have to write words for this comment. There’s so much you’ve written that is so important for people to hear (and I’m sure for you to say). This post reminds me of why we all started sharing our stories – so the right people can hear the right words at the right time – and know they are not alone.
You are an inspiration letting people know that it is never too late to be better.
Hugs to you and to your family who I am sure are eternally grateful to have you back.
Love you, Danielle! I’m proud of you and so grateful for you. Thank you for sharing your journey and being vulnerable. Here’s to your very bright, very fabulous future! xoxo
I am SO happy you found the courage to face your alcoholism and become sober. The joy you feel now and will continue to feel as you progress on this path will get stronger and more deeply rooted in you, I have no doubt.
I know this from experience, having come from an alcoholic family and having to face my own ‘problem with alcohol’ at age 39. That was 26 years ago. I too thought I won’t be as much fun, I won’t be able to do as many wild and crazy things, I won’t have that spark of personality. And all that is true IF you define them as being reckless and stupid in your behavior and making a fool of yourself that only you are in denial about. instead my personality is the real me, the fun I have comes from genuine enjoyment, the wild and crazy things aren’t nearly as dangerous (but still wild and crazy!).
Anyway, I am proud of you. If you are interested in knowing more about how it all came about with me, including the background of my family, or if you have questions about long term sobriety, feel free to reach out and we can have a coffee chat about it one day, ok?
With admiration,
Marty
When brains meet beauty to deliver a message of hope and healing I sense Devine presence. You are an amazing woman and we miss you in SPB😘
WOW…I’m so freaking impressed with your vulnerability and courage. Bravo my friend. Recovery has given me back myself and allowed me to achieve things/mindsets in my life I couldn’t have dreamed of. I know this is true for you as well.
You’ve written my story of alcoholism here…I relate sister.
I had no idea you were going through this! 6 months is huge! You go girl. You are strong & brave and I’m so happy that your light has returned. ❤️
Such a brave, and beautiful, moment to share. Thank you for opening up to all of us. We support you in your journey.
Thank you so very much, Dana. xoxo
I’m so so proud of you, proud to have witnessed your journey and that I was able to get to know you before, during and after. You are one brave and beautifully bold and genuine person and this LITERALLY proves that.
Love … and I’m thankful for you!! xo ~ KL
I couldn’t possibly be more grateful to you (and your beautiful girl) for lifting me up during this journey and for offering your love and support. Your friendship has been such an incredible gift (and continues to be.) xoxo
You are a gem Danielle that sparkles because of who you are…and what you give of yourself to other people through your amazing stories. Proud of your hard work to achieve an amazing milestone and your sharing it with others – sparkle on. Xoxo
My friend – your words mean so very much to me. Thank you for taking the time to read my story and for being so supportive. I’m grateful.
SO proud of you and the kickass woman that you are.
You are the best – thank you so much.
Thank you for being real and honest and sharing your story with us! I’m so proud of you and sending you all the love and support!
Grateful for you, friend. xoxo Thank you for taking the time to read.
powerful words and beautifully written.
Thank you, friend. xoxoxo
I love you and am exceedingly proud of you. And know you know and believe it too. I am cheering for you all the way <3
I couldn’t possibly be more grateful for you and the EXTRAORDINARY gift of your friendship and support – it meant SO much to have you standing by me the entire time. I LOVE YOU. xoxoxo
What hard, brave work you are doing. Congratulations on your six months, as you said, every day and hour EARNED.
Thank you so much, my friend. Grateful for you. xoxoxo
Danielle, I am SO PROUD OF YOU, and so excited for you and your sober life. I’m celebrating five years in the recovery community next month, and your story is very familiar to me. I’ve heard it shared over and over and walked beside many who have navigated trauma. I know the hard work you are doing – well done, friend. Seriously, there aren’t words to appropriately describe what you’re tackling. I can’t wait to read your one year post and your two year post and your three year post…
Oh Amy – this means so much to me – I didn’t know we were walking the same path. Thank you so much for sharing with me and for your support and kind words. Sending all kinds of love your way. Definitely looking forward to many more days of sobriety. xoxoxo
Powerful post from a powerful woman. Congrats on 6 months but more importantly, congrats on taking control of yourself, your life and your future. It’s great that you have such wonderful support at home (and online). You also have such an amazing way with words. I absolutely love your writing style and “voice.” Keep on, keepin’ on!
So incredibly grateful for you – it means so much to me that you took the time to read this…. and your kind words and support are amazing. xoxo