I’ve sat down to write this more than a dozen times and each one has ended with a tightness in my chest, an inability to breathe, and often tears.
It’s fear, I know. I’ve developed a fear of writing.
I’m no stranger to the tears as of late. They’ve been a regular companion for the last few months, such a frequent guest that I often don’t realize they’ve arrived until I’m questioned about them.
Life is beautiful.
Life is messy. Especially lately.
I know you wouldn’t be able to tell from spending any time with me online. I have long preferred to focus on the good, the ‘beautiful’ instead of the messy.
But for the past while, I have been holding myself together by a collection of chewing gum, sports shoelaces, salty tears, the listening ears of a few friends and the tiny hands that seem to know just when to reach out and grab me.
I know you often only see the happy, the smiling, the ‘good’ side of our world ….as that is all I’ve had the strength to share. And often the hard, the messy and the painful isn’t my story to broadcast. The quagmire of pain that can keep you up at night, that arrives in the form of a late night phone call, rocking your world and making it impossible for anything to ever be the same, that can have you at first opening your computer to work and then slamming it shut with an inherent inability to function falls into the category of ‘no one’s business’ and ends up looking to the outside world a lot like this.
Or like this.
Because again, sadness isn’t a story I often share or one I’ve chosen to reveal….for so many reasons…. Not because I prefer an image of perfection, but rather because the sadness is hard, it is scary, because I have been, for months now, paralyzed by a deep fear of my own inadequacies and most importantly, those stories are not entirely mine to reveal.
And yet it is the most kind, innocuous comments that appear on simple Instagram pictures with my small dude like, ‘I just love how wonderful you seem to balance it all and generally have a positive outlook’ that finally prompted me to write this…. just to say, I don’t. I can’t. I never feel that way.
My outsides and my insides don’t always match.
They don’t match for the online world, they don’t match for people I see every day, and they don’t match for my small people. Because sometimes putting on a brave face when you’re hurting is part of being an adult. And a mother. And a friend. And a business owner.
Is that always the case? No.
Let’s face it…. you don’t want me to complain every day. You don’t want me to cry and rant every day. You don’t want to know how hard it is to get out of bed sometimes. You don’t want to know how angry and hurt I am.
Right?
Because I don’t want to be that person. If I’m being perfectly honest, I miss me. I miss the me that just WAS happy all the time, that didn’t stare out her office window wishing for a way to put the pieces back together.
I keep hoping that if I act like me, if I look like me, maybe those insides and outsides will match again more often that not.
In the mean time, know this….I truly believe it is acceptable to keep some thoughts inside and I don’t believe it makes you (or me) inauthentic. The part of me that I share is still me, it just isn’t ALL of me. And I want you to know that I bet many of you do a bit of this too – keep a portion of you held back, choose to share a certain side, recognize that someone else’s story is not your story to share.
If the shiny, the happy, the good is what you share and you bury the rest beneath the version of you that feels right, it is ok. You aren’t alone. I certainly wish I could have skipped the last few months, but I’m hoping they are making me stronger.
I believe he Beautiful Mess is doing the same for you.
I have always said that I will never share if I get into a true fight with my husband, if I am mad at my parents or my in-laws. It has been my personal policy to avoid airing my battles in this space. I want to respect privacy, allow my family to maintain dignity and keep from revealing anything that would result in embarrassment. Naturally, I respect anyone who chooses otherwise, but this ‘policy’ means that sometimes the heart-breaking and brutal will continue to be masked by one smile after another, one sporting event after another, one beautiful, messy, average completely-out-of-balance moment after another.
Thank you for being here. I am, as always, grateful for you.
Nothing drives home just how beautiful life is like friends and family. This post really brightened my day!
Thank you, my friend. You are so right.
I completely understand what you are saying AND feeling. Sometimes I think we write to heal ourselves. Sometimes to avoid the real pain on the inside. We are human, we have emotions, and sometimes depression. We have a ton of that in our family. I hope that you know you can share all the good and the bad but I do understand as I too try to keep my blog positive. Hugs to you!
Your comment is a gift. I hope you know that. I admit, I don’t always feel as though I can share ALL of it – the good/bad/ugly….I feel as though I’ve sent a 10 year precedent of looking for the good…but I am beyond grateful to you for saying this. Truly. My goal is to continue to write more – and honestly.
I think you’re right when you say we all do a little of this. I have one best friend who serves as my sounding board. Anytime things get to the boiling point, she is the one I spill to. And because it’s not all that often, she’s just fine with that.
I love that you have a ‘person’. I think everyone should and hope they do. I’m grateful for my tribe who listen and guide.
That’s great you have a positive attitude. There is nothing wrong with showing a happy side even when you are frustrated, stressed, or even down. Life can be crazy, I think we all struggle. I don’t usually share my unhappy moments unless it is with my close friends or family.
I so appreciate you saying this… I often feel as though I’m judged for not sharing ‘everything’.
Your fun pictures brought smile to my face, I can’t help but smile. I think having a positive attitude always help not only for yourself but to others as well.
Life is full of ups and downs, you just have keep moving. Life is like riding a bicycle, if you stop moving forward you will fall off. This is a very inspirational story.
What a very inspirational story! I love how your family bonding, your family is beautiful. Glad that you put or keep up the positive side.
I love this post! I love writing out feelings and such like this down. I think it’s nice to be able to read what others are going through too. I really enjoyed reading this. Very inspirational.
I’ll keep you in my prayers and know that it is more than okay to keep parts of you to you.
I love how positive you are! I love reading your posts and seeing glimpses of your life, but I also love how real you got with this post too. Life is messy but that’s part of the beauty of it!
You know what, I am not sure if I am the only one feeling just like you do, but the truth is, this is the reality we are living in. I don’t want to put up Instagram pictures of me moping. But you know what I hate more than my own silly self-depricatory nature. I follow a few bloggers who LOVE to post happy pictures of themselves online, but when you are reading their captions and descriptions, they are always complaining. This is simply unbelievable when the picture does not match the caption, in my opinion. Why would someone post the best possible shot and then complain how they have such annoying kids. Anyhow, I am digressing.
I just wanted to say to you – you are not alone. I think this is how things should be done online. Our brand does not need to be a constant complainer. The whole reason we are doing what we are doing online is because we want to make someone else’s world and day better. Nobody needs to know what is eating us up.
I feel just like you more days than I want to admit!
Thank you so very much for this. I so appreciate it. I know I do post a lot of ‘happy’ – and typically that is a good fit (as I don’t always want to share the hard – and sometimes it just isn’t my story to share) but I do try to be as ‘real’ as possible – meaning, I’m honest when my kids are fighting and when things fall in to a hard category. Thank you for being here and for your comment.