My clothes don’t fit.
I’ve gained 15 pounds in the last 18 months.
I detest getting dressed in a way I never have.
I’m disappointed that I can’t seem to make the necessary changes.
I abhor that I no longer feel like the role model of body confidence and self love I have always wanted to be for my children – especially my daughter.
I’ve been doing everything I can to hide how I feel.
But, it seems I’ve hit a tipping point.
For the first time in more than four years, some of my beloved Stitch Fix clothes don’t fit when they arrive. (that’s on me, not them.)
I stand in my full closet and struggle to find something that fits. And find I prefer anything loose. Or pajamas – yesterday I stayed in those until 1pm. That’s not me.
This past week….I attended a formal event and ordered dresses from Rent the Runway….there was one I REALLY wanted to wear and ordered it in my size (or what I *thought* was my size) plus one size up. When I couldn’t get it zipped up…I was hoping it was because of the empire waist and ruched material….I asked a friend to try. No go. She gently informed me the zipper had zero chance of making it….it was maybe two or three inches apart. (Related – this is how you know you have good friends – they help you zip and break it to you when it just isn’t going to happen.)
That’s a bad feeling. There is vulnerability in that type of moment – embarrassment and self-realization: I’m not the same size I once was. I may never be that size again.
I wore a back up that arrived in the wrong color and with stains on the back.
I did a bathing suit photo shoot with the most amazing, body-confidence inspiring company and was amazed that they succeeded in minimizing the things that make me self conscious (my waist/stomach) while accenting the good….but still confess to noticing the flaws first (my stomach, the texture of my skin). It’s clearly me, not them.
Here’s the thing: I’m not ‘fat’. I get it. I know it. I’m still within the appropriate bounds for my height (though I have apparently lost an inch in this same time frame – what the actual hell?) So, yes….I was always on the thinner side of the spectrum and hated being told I ‘needed a cheeseburger’.
But now, I just hate how I feel. I don’t feel like ‘me’.
And I can’t figure out if that is just because my clothes don’t fit (I know it is a factor), because I’ve never been able to stick to an exercise regimen (I don’t fall in to the category of people who feel strong and energized by workouts – I’ve always felt exhuasted), that I can’t get past the number on the scale (silly, I know) or that I am struggling with the idea that I can’t reverse time and this is my new normal.
It is probably a combination of it all.
As I was typing this today, a friend messaged me some kind words – encouraging me to love myself at this stage…and recognize that how I feel should matter more than the numbers – the scale or clothing size.
She’s right. However, I admit it. I actually don’t feel healthy.
I don’t sleep well. I clearly don’t prioritize exercise. My stamina is suspect. I like cheese. Too much. I have failed at each and every new commitment to change (ie: exercise, eating adjustments).
But, as I shared on Instagram today (along with how I’ve been feeling)….I think I have found the motivation I need.
I’m failing my children. I’m failing to be the role model they need. Until recently, they had never heard me disparage my appearance or have to explain eating changes that fell in to the diet category. I want them to love themselves and focus on healthy living. My small girl is now moving deeply in to the teenage years – a time that body image can be a sensitive subject.
So, here’s my new committment to regain a healthy body image:
Yoga: With fibromyalgia, high impact activities can be hard on the body – but yoga is good for both physical and mental health. This will be a 5 times weekly practice – even if it is only for 20 minutes. Consider my friend Nicole’s App – 19 Minute Yoga.
Meditation: I’m learning that my mental health is equally as important as my physical health. This is now a daily practice for peace, gratitude and focus.
Intermittent Fasting + Paleo: I’ve never been someone who loves breakfast, so the research I’ve done on this topic (plus my prior experience with Paleo) feels like the best fit for me – aiming to cycle between patterns of fasting (12-14 hours) and eating (meaning I would only eat, for example, between the hours of noon and 8pm). Additionally, I will predominantly avoid wheat, dairy and sugar. Because I know myself, I allow grace for the occasional addition of cheese to a meal. When I tried Paleo in the past, it was the healthiest I’ve felt – and at that time I did give myself a little bit of leeway.
Good people: If I’ve learned anything in the last few years, it is that surrounding myself by good people, good-hearted people – they make all the difference. I am grateful to all of my friends who model self-love and remind me that having a kind soul matters. I began this conversation on Instagram and have been brought to tears by the encouragement of friends who are lifting me up and reminding me to look inward as I figure this all out.
Focus on Feeling – I’m going to stop looking at the numbers – the scale, the size of the clothing I wear and focus entirely on what a ‘healthy me’ should feel like. It may sound silly, but this is going to be a challenge for me. I want to measure my progress in mental and physical health rather than by a 20-something barometer that used to be all I needed. This feeling includes choosing clothes that DO make me feel pretty….you’re going to see lots of loose dresses in my future.
If you have additional suggestions, I’m open.
Thank you for being here.
For the record, I thought you looked fab at the event! But I know this feeling so well. A friend got married when I was 1 year postpartum. And the dress that fit me at 6 months postpartum wouldn’t zip when I showed up for the wedding. I GAINED when I was supposed to be “losing the baby weight.” How does that even happen? I know how it happened. We all know how it happened. I didn’t prioritize myself.
Thank you so much for this – for understanding, for KNOWING what it feels like and for recognizing how it happens. It feels like a simple answer – prioritizing myself – but my experience has been….I commit to doing it and then life gets in the way. It has always been easier to put everyone and everything else first. But, it is such a good lesson – even if we fall off, resetting and working on ourselves again NEEDS to be something we both do.
Hi. As someone who has crossed the bridge from where you’re at to where I am now, I wholeheartedly acknowledge the real fear in being vulnerable about something so personal (would it really be vulnerable if it weren’t personal?) and I applaud you for stepping over that huge hurdle, and that you’re discovering the support and solidarity you deserve on the other side.
You’re laying the groundwork for other women to begin being nicer to themselves in being kinder to your own self.
I have a rule with my friends that they are not allowed to say anything about themselves that they would not say to me.
From the other side, where I have come to love my body in all of it’s wonderfully perfect imperfections, my only regret is that I didn’t do it sooner. That I didn’t love myself the way I deserved to be loved from the very beginning. Thankfully I never spoke negatively about my own insecurities in front of my girls because I remember how much it hurt me to see (who I considered) the most beautiful person in the world (my mom) talk about her weight, aging, gray hair, how youth was “wasted on young things like you.” She was constantly (and continues to be) critical of everyone that crosses her path because it deflected attention away from her. She’d find the most clever ways to criticize me. It still stings to this day.
Once you open up that vulnerable part of you, the VERY best stuff comes in. Assuming you stay open to being vulnerable. It’s scary you’ll want to shut it all back down, but keep it open. It’s worth it, I promise.
I’m very excited for you to experience it. It has changed my life.
When I look back on my mom, I see a woman who was miserable and made up for it with her physical beauty. When her physical beauty left she was left an empty shell because she never learned that she had any worth beyond what she looked like. She’ll be 68 this year and she’s still desperately trying to catch up to life she missed out on simply because she couldn’t be vulnerable. It’s as though she’s rotting from the inside out.
YOU, however. YOU. I know for an absolute fact that everything inside the skin you’re uncomfortable in contains pure gold. You are kind, you are generous, you are funny, you are caring, SO HARDWORKING and thoughtful. It will never matter what’s on the outside because underneath is a soul made up of light and love. (And not in a weird God kind of way but more of a glowy aura type way.)
You’ve been fed a lot of lies by society, media, and unrealistic expectations. We all have, and it’s not our fault. We were just doing what we had been told to do and be. But when you’re finally able to drop those expectations you never asked for in the first place and simply love you for exactly who you are? That’s the pivot point. (Jon Acuff Blissdom 2011 represent.)
When I look at the women I admire most, they all have three things in common: authenticity, vulnerability, and acceptance of exactly who they are meant to be.
My friend….my wonderful, understanding, kind and beautiful friend. Thank you for this. I’ve been sitting at my desk reading and re-reading what you have written. I was trying to figure out what most resonated with me – and I can’t, as it’s all of it. It is your willingness to acknowledge my vulnerability and the panic I felt as I was typing and then setting it live, the example you set as a friend, woman and mother, your level of understanding within the experience. Thank you for seeing the ‘me’ buried underneath the self-doubt and insecurities I have shared. You make me better and stronger. I’m grateful I have not raised my children with a lifetime of self-doubt and have (until recently) always kept those vocal moments at bay. I regret there are recent moments that I may have slipped, but am confident it has never been directed at them (by way of comparison or otherwise), but I do want them to feel secure in the knowledge that they are being raised by a woman who can be both vulnerable and strong….and someone who sees the intrinsic value in self-love….and not only when I’m feeling ‘me’. As someone who has known me for a long time (love the Blissdom 2011 shoutout), I appreciate your perspective and the heart you have always shared. Love you, my friend. xoxo
I followed your travels on Instagram, and I saw tons of your photos. Let me tell you right now. You are beautiful. You are beyond beautiful, in fact. I know that body issues are very personal, and only we can understand how things make us feel, but I just have to say that you need to remember that what’s real versus what you perceive can be vastly different, especially in your case. Always remember that you are beautiful both inside and out. <3 <3 <3
I’m incredibly grateful for you and your friendship – and definitely your words. THANK YOU for being so lovely and supportive. I so appreciate you.
The outfit you wore that you shared looks amazing on you! I know how it feels: You set goals, prioritize some “me time” and then things interfere and it all goes to hell in a hand basket. We need to take a breath and a step back, and get back after it!
You nailed it. I promise myself that me time – that I will exercise and eat healthy – and then…LIFE. But I continue to try again and reset – thank you for the encouragement xoxo
I applaud your list of commitments to get control of your body image. Opening yourself up to your readers and people in general shows how committed you are.
There is some ownership that comes with TELLING people you are making changes. I’m hopeful that works for me 🙂 Thank you, friend.
I feel you. Unlike you, I have always struggled with my weight, but in the last year I’ve managed to gain almost 15 lbs. and that peri-menopausal spare tire I’ve heard tell of. All when I thought I was living healthier than ever. I’m a vegan who doesn’t drink alcohol or sodas and who gets out for a walk in the fresh air most days. I feel frustrated that somehow I still manage to screw that up. (And I do think of it that way, which isn’t the most healthy way of thinking.)
I just re-joined Weight Watchers to give myself some structure around eating *even better.* And to make me be more mindful. We’ll see how it goes.
but yeah, nothing fits right, and if I could just live and go everywhere in my leggings and big tees or sweatshirts, I wold. (And it’s rather amazing how often I do.)
Needless to say, I think you’re beautiful xoxo
I understand how you feel… despite the fact I’m always jealous of your incredible beauty whenever I look at your photos.
I’m going through a similar stage right now (although far worse as I’ve gained a lot more than you and I would NEVER have been able to do that bathing suit photoshoot).
It is so strange to look in the mirror and not recognize yourself. I still feel like my 30 year old self, but my 46 year old body is betraying me.
I desperately need to make exercise a priority, but it feels almost impossible when I’m so busy trying to keep a business going and raise my children.
Sigh.
So, I’m sending you hugs and lots of empathy.
Ha ha… I just noticed that my photo by my comment is an old photo from I think 2009 or 2010 from Mom 2.0. LOL. Needless to say, I don’t take enough photos of myself these days.
I thought you looked fabulous at the event! But I can also relate. I, too, am at my heaviest weight & am feeling very down on myself. I applaud you for sharing your struggles…but at the same time this post reminds me of when Oprah did an O Magazine cover showing a pic of herself thin & another of her when she’d gained back some weight. She later looked back on it and realized she was body shaming herself in public. If you don’t ever lose the weight, you are still worthy. As we get older, our metabolisms change. You may not ever lose those 15 pounds or maybe you will. I just don’t want you to feel like your worth is wrapped up in your weight and your looks. I don’t want that for me, either. It’s so hard, isn’t it?!
Thank you for your kind words and for understanding my current mental (and physical) place. You are right – I may never lose these extra pounds, and unfortunately, I AM uncomfortable right now – so, I guess this is shaming myself…but I’m grateful to all of the wonderful people who have shared their own thoughts/experiences – it reminds me I’m not alone. Grateful for you – wish we had more time last week. xo
I feel you. I somehow lost myself the past year. It didn’t hit me for a while, but then I realized I didn’t recognize myself anymore. I know that I need to be proactive but it’s hard to get started. But it’s time.
That is exactly how I feel. I don’t recognize myself (especially if I’m caught in a photo – yikes!) Thank you for being here. We can do it together.
I used to think and feel the same way. It’s not easy to accept the body you’re in when it makes you feel so insecure and conscious. But it is essential that we build up that confidence and start doing something about it.
You are so very correct…I do think that is, in fact, the first step….re-building the confidence so I CAN make the health changes necessary – thank you for being here.
I can very well relate to everything you wrote in this post. I have not been prioritizing myself for the longest time. I am not fat, but I have flab in areas where it used to be toned. My husband keeps reminding me that I should be proud of my belly because I nurtured three lives in there. It does make me feel good, but I still wish to lose a few inches so it would not be frustrating everytime I shop for clothes. We can’t stop aging and the slowing down of our metabolism. Change what we can, and accept what we can’t.
Having a supportive ‘person’ in your world can make all the difference – I so love how your husband is loving you as you grow older (and wiser) together. I’m with you – the slowing of metabolism is not fun – and I’m in that same process, trying to make the changes I can and accept the rest. xo
I loved your post. It makes me frustrated to discover I don’t fit into my favorite pair of jeans. I am working on being confident with my own body. I have to accept that I will never get my pre-pregnancy body back. What is more important for me is that I keep myself healthy. Sexy is the thing for the youth. For me, healthy is better than sexy. 🙂