It wasn’t ME, it was HIM.
Me? NO WAY…. it was HER.
Eat the last cookie? Leave the light on? Forget to close the front door? Who’s turn to walk the dog? Spill milk on the floor? Get marker on the table?
It is like small people carry a neon sign around that automatically pivots in the opposite direction when they fear getting into trouble. There is a word bubble that floats above their little heads, “It wasn’t me.” With a sibling, it is easy to toss blame in someone else’s direction. My small people are experts in this arena, and honestly, as they get older, the level of dramatics that accompanies said accusation has only increased. They are vehement in their own defense.
Every. Single. Time.
But when their dad or I get angry (and I do mean A-N-G-R-Y) at one of the two of them, boy-oh-boy, is there ever a continental drift. Those two icebergs slowly slide together until they are merged. My seven and nine year old are suddenly conjoined twins, offering a united front that went from pointing fingers to hand-holding and ‘Sissy, are you ok?’
It happened just this morning. She was in trouble. In tears. And he was at her side, anxious to make sure she would be fine.
I don’t remember this as a child. I don’t recall my brother and I – also close in age at only 2 1/2 years apart – acting as allies. I remember us fighting. A lot. That isn’t to say that Delaney and Cooper don’t ever argue because they do. They most certainly act like normal siblings at times…. they bicker, they taunt, they occasionally try to annoy each other until I think my brain might bleed, but they would also stand up for each other in a heart beat, they know their number one job in the world is to protect each other and they truly like playing together (they even told a friend the other day that they are glad they are brother and sister because they would be bored if they didn’t have each other!)
Now, my mother may read this and become weepy, sad that her two children a) never developed this type of bond, b) that I have no recollection of a bond that may have existed at one point or c) that as a young child I simply wasn’t willing to have this bond with my brother or vice versa. I, quite simply, don’t know. What I do know is that I don’t have a sibling bond of any kind with my brother – we are friendly and occasionally talk – but there isn’t a ‘relationship’ of any kind. And that lack, I’m certain, has been formative in my parenting style with my small people. I have been diligent about helping them to create a loyalty in their relationship with each other. Their dad has too.
5 Ways to Turn Siblings in to Allies
Start when they are young – from the time my small people were very, very small we would tell them that they were friends, that we were a family and that having each other and protecting each other is a priority.
Remind them to choose each other – they are, after all, small people. And sometimes they will argue, or fight. And it is ok to be angry with each other, but choose to come back together. Choose to regain your footing and be friends again. The friendship you have in each other is too important to waste. And in a battle – always choose each other.
Have them play together – of course both Delaney and Cooper have other friends and as they get older those circles will definitely expand, but we have always asked that they include each other. We designate times that they can have time alone with friends as well so that they don’t feel suffocated by their sibling, but it has taught them (and their friends) to respect the family bonds we have and to treat each other kindly.
Create a few key family sayings: Our kiddos know the answer to this question by heart: What is your number one job? To protect each other. And they are serious about it. He won’t let someone be unkind to his big sister and she is equally as protective. This is at school, among friends and clearly when it comes to protecting each other from their big-bad-mom-and-dad too.
Talk about the future – My small people need to know the relationship they have is a beautiful thing and one we just assume they will continue. I know this doesn’t make it fact. There may come a time when they drift apart as they head in to high school or college (I hope not) but my wish is that they continue to make each other a priority, that they continue to rely on the bond and trust they are creating and will do so for a lifetime.
I know I can’t control their hearts, but I believe I can help them to see the good in each other.
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