Training Manual

Dear Daddy Training Manual (that’s the Diary of this week)-

I just returned from a week of professional training with my “real” job. “Real” job is defined as the job that pays money which is needed for diapers, sippy cups, and pre-school.

In this training, a manual was given to all of us. This helpful book gives examples of certain scenarios that might play out during our time on the job. It got me thinking. Where is this type of book for Daddy’s?

I could have really used this the other day when walking through the grocery store, my 3 year old shouted “Hey, Daddy, I think I tooted.” Two thoughts come to my mind.

One, you “think” you tooted? We all know the alternative. There are 3 states of matter: liquid, solid, and gas. The latter is what my 3 year old “thinks” she did. The idea of the other two scares the liquid AND solid out of me.

My second thought is: Oh sweet, she just said that out loud and 4 women are staring at me as if to say “Humph, I wonder who taught her the word ‘toot.’ Of course, my thought is: would you rather the “f” word that rhymes with “heart?” “Humph, I didn’t think so.”

Where do I turn in the Daddy Training Manual to find out how to play this one? I do what any normal daddy would do in this situation. I go to the bakery, sneak off with one of those free cookies they offer, and everyone is happy.

My Daddy Training Manual says: When confronted with an awkward situation, run away, find a treat, give it to your toddler and act as if all else is normal. Done. I passed that test.

Scenario Number Two: My 18 month old son and I do a Daddy/Son day. We go to the local Sporting Goods store, where I turn around and he is throwing baseballs at one of those life size Albert Pujols cardboard mannequins.

First, I don’t want to deter him from throwing baseballs. See, he’s going to be drafted in the 1 st round of the 2022 Major League Baseball draft, so this is his professional training program. But, one of the workers is coming over with a “not so friendly” look on his face.

So, here’s how I play it. “Son, you shouldn’t be throwing baseballs at Mr. Pujols. He can turn on that inside pitch. Just throw it low and away, and he’ll get himself out.”

Two things are accomplished. I scolded my 1-year old to keep the worker happy. Most importantly, I taught my 1-year old to go low and away on a power hitter.

My Daddy Training Manual says: When grooming a Major Leaguer-to-be, encourage him to throw every day. Oh, and keep everyone else appeased that you’re being a Daddy first, and agent/pitching coach second. Done. I passed that test.

So, two Daddy scenarios were presented, and I passed two tests. Two for two. I got the job.

But, as we all know, the Training continues tomorrow. This Daddy job never ends. That’s a good thing.

Play Ball!